them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE