Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You Might Also Like
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals