Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You Might Also Like
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Lmfao
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
getting corrected
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.