[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.