Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.