Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call