I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.