KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.