The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
This has made my week.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”