If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
You Might Also Like
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that