“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet