we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
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Dear Lord..
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?