One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
is this a warning or an offer?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200