ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.