A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it鈥檚 a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you鈥檙e one of them and helps gain their trust
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
God: you鈥檙e a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we鈥檙e the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i鈥檓 a vegetarian tiger!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I think it鈥檚 bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don鈥檛 think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
This took me a second..
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[friend at his party] I think we鈥檙e just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If you haven鈥檛 left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you鈥檙e not really parenting.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Important reminders
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My brain is a bad influence on me
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door