Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare