Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”