I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.