Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.