The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too