There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit