Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
You Might Also Like
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.