Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
bears
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
i dont have time for this
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae