14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?