Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Genius idea!!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.