If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
new year update: losing everything but weight
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
oh u like history? name everything that happened
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Finally, a door that understands me
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail