Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
no their not
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.