[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.