My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”