[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
LOL!
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.