My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
thank god
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.