You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
#parenting
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…