Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.