What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.