One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons