[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
rapatouille
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”