You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
God, I love Scotland
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[montage of me giving-up]
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.