I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Come back with a warrant
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.