*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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Me: Same
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.