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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.