Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.