ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.