HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
There are no pants in heaven.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?