At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Happy Thanksgiving
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME (calling my horse with no name):