Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.