ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The Struggle
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*