Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer