I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
This is painfully accurate 😅
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”