*mops up wine with cat*
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
if my sleeping schedule was a person
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined