Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…